University Attempt (College try)

Oh… Fine I’ll update again.

Muddling through the past summer of course I’ve done some thinking… but I’ve not gotten too far.  Still find myself a bit lost, but starting to gain traction on what I hope is the right course.  Perhaps a business degree instead of computer science… great.  More time at school… and those grades need a bit of help too.

Well, I’m hoping that this will get me back into some academic thinking and a forward direction.  Started gaining momentum today by sorting out some school stuff.

Through some thinking, however, it’s a bit difficult to find much I want to dive into.  As I’ve posted before, I really want something to drive me to do something great… but I’ve not found my calling.  I mean, I have some ideas for businesses and whatnot, but it’s not exactly a metal to my magnet.  Still, doing something great isn’t for everyone.  I could honestly be happy being a stay-at-home spouse and live out my days being happy with someone that makes me happy.

Nevertheless, I’ll keep at it.  I’ve put myself in debt for a reason. I hope it turns out to be a good one.  If not, well, I’ll leave a quote from a friend of mine (roughly remembered, up for an edit if I get around to quoting him correctly):  “Some of us don’t have a Moby DIck to chase.  Some of us just want to go fishing.”


“Sunset”

Night tucked the sun away in a blanket of color as it exhaled its last breath of light across the horizon.


Envy.

What am I to do?

This lost and lonely soul yearns for something to feel passionate about.

There are so many “options”,

“life choices”,

“paths”.

 

There are some who have found their calling.
I envy them.


To do.

Break the stake, for what’s at stake,

Release yourself from yourself.

To see what you can make.


Sometimes ‘y’.

Monotonous monstrosity, seeing how I’ve got to be part of mediocrity.

Could honestly get a lobotomy cuz that’s not what I want to be.

 

Is it money that could let this caged bird free?

Is that the key that could let me flee?

Surely!  A lottery!  It’s plain to see,

Could really change a lot for me.

This industry, promissory, pertaining to liability,

Would definitely be cured easily.

Though my quandary, sadly,

Cannot be cured by poetry.

 


The Great Distraction

I am currently holding much resistance to the subsistence of this existence.

I’m bored with what I’m doing.  I find little meaning in it.  I’m sure some of you do too.  I’m in college, currently working at a major that’s probably not going to help me in the long run.  I’m working to get a job that’s probably not going to make me happy in the long run.  Furthermore, I’m currently not happy with what I’m doing with my life because I find there’s no meaning to it.

What am I supposed to do?

I have absolutely no idea.  Nor do most of us.   So what do we do?

We distract ourselves.

Television.  Movies. Videogames. Internet forums. Books.  Mindless violence.  The list continues.

Why do we do it?

Do we find ourselves without purpose? Do we find ourselves without meaning?  Are we bored with our lives?  I think the answer is obvious:

Yes.

A wonderfully powerful, and appropriate quote from one of my favorite movies, Fight Club (grabbed from WikiQuotes):

 “We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place.
We have no Great War. No Great Depression.
Our great war is a spiritual war.
Our great depression is our lives.
We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires,
and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. We’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

The fact is though, most of us aren’t pissed off.  We’re disappointed.

Our ancestors suffered through a Great Depression.  It was a defining moment.  They had to survive to get to the next day.  They had wars, they had struggle, they had strife.  They worked hard for what they had.  I wholeheartedly appreciate what they did for us, but the question now is:

What’s next?

We don’t know.  We’re stuck.  We’re disappointed because we don’t know what to do, and none of us have the gumption to move forward.

So we distract ourselves.

Pulled from a quick Google search:

~2 Million people are registered users of League of Legends.

~11 Million World of Warcraft users.

You get the point.

So, what do we do now?

Do we move forward?  Or do we waste away in front of our computers?
Though I’d hate to think of it as wasting our lives.  We’re living the lives we want to.
Where else can you save the world on a regular basis?  Where else can you be a powerful Wizard?
Where else can you become an architect in your own right?
Where else can you be accepted for who you are, unconditionally?

Where else can you find a huge group of people that feel the same way you do, that find the same things interesting, that see the world for what it is, and escape?

I just wish I had something that drove me to do something meaningful.  Until then, I’ll be here.


Captain Quirk

There’s a lot to be said about mannerisms.  They can say a lot about a person, If find.  They can be subtle, but the action itself has to come from somewhere.  Is it a quirk?  Is it a habit of some kind?  After some self-analysis, I have found that many of my own mannerisms didn’t come about by my own means.  They were almost “grafted”.  Akin to  a snowball thrown at a brick wall, pieces of people tend to stick to my everyday life.  Whether it’s a frame of reference, a new word in my vocabulary or some sort of small action,  it seems that  a lot of it is not my own creation.

So, in trying to figure out these things, I should define them:

Noun
  1. A habitual gesture or way of speaking or behaving; an idiosyncrasy.
  2. A gesture or expression that becomes abnormal through exaggeration or repetition

(Credit to a cursory Google search, and Dictionary.com)

So, in the ways we talk or act, we can have some habits that eventually define us.

So, what sort of “mannerisms”?  For example, my laugh has sometimes a bit of a snort to it, and I realized that I hadn’t started that until I met my friend Taylor, which took me a few weeks to realize… but it’s grown into a habit.

I often have a bit of fun with word pronunciations as well, to which I give credit to my cousin Stephen.  For example, walking back home from a frozen yogurt joint, we passed a road called “Oriole”. We happened to be at a point that had some surprise to the conversation, and he looked at the sign and promptly said “Oh-re-oh-lee”. (Oh, really?)

We do this pretty much every time we hang out with various words, and it’s been a running gag for years now.

I’ve also found a love of puns over the past few years, to which I attribute  my friend Danny, as well as my Dad while growing up.  It’s a love of corny jokes, really.

But with all of these,  it’s astounding the culmination of things that just aren’t me individually. But the combination of each of them makes me… me.

I laugh at squirrels running amok,  and enjoy the sweet singing of birds.   A glance at the stars immediately humbles me.  Seeing a genuine smile genuinely makes me happy too.  It’s the little things.  I attribute that to my family, as they always point out the little things.  There’s always a bit of a smile on their faces at something or other, and I feel it’s really shaped the way I look at everything.

It’s difficult to know whether or not this is just “me” or if those things came from other people.  But, aren’t we all just a combination of our surroundings?  Something of a stew, really:  everything just thrown in during different parts of our lives.  There are some of us that come out sour, some of us come out sweet, and some of us may come out all willy-nilly.  But it’s what we’ve got… it’s really “us”, whether we like it or not.

So far I’m pleased with the “me stew” I’ve got simmering.